Confidence is a type of issues we’re advised we both have or we don’t. Some individuals stroll right into a room and immediately command consideration, whereas others shrink into the background. It appears apparent who’s bought all of it collectively, proper?
However right here’s what I’ve realized: that easy confidence isn’t at all times what it appears. A few of the most confident individuals on the floor—those who appear fearless, charismatic, and in management—are literally wrestling with deep insecurities beneath.
The tough half? They’ve gotten actually good at hiding it. Actually, their insecurity doesn’t present up within the methods you’d anticipate. As a substitute, it reveals itself by refined behaviors most of us overlook.
In the event you’ve ever puzzled why somebody acts a sure manner regardless of showing assured, or for those who’ve questioned your personal moments of doubt regardless of seeming put-together to others, this may clarify why.
Listed below are eight refined behaviors that usually sign hidden insecurity, even in probably the most outwardly assured individuals.
1) They should show themselves continually
Actually assured individuals don’t really feel the necessity to remind everybody how assured they’re. However those that are secretly insecure? They usually exit of their approach to show themselves—whether or not it’s by their achievements, their information, and even their social standing.
They may casually point out their successes in conversations, make some extent of highlighting their expertise, or subtly compete with others even when nobody else is maintaining rating. It’s not at all times apparent bragging, however there’s a sure power of needing validation from the skin world.
Deep down, they’re not making an attempt to impress you—they’re making an attempt to reassure themselves. In the event that they cease proving themselves, they worry they won’t be sufficient.
2) They wrestle to take criticism
When somebody’s confidence is strong, they will deal with suggestions with out taking it personally. However for individuals who are secretly insecure, even the smallest critique can really feel like an assault.
I was this manner with out even realizing it. A former boss as soon as gave me some constructive suggestions on a challenge, and as an alternative of seeing it as an opportunity to enhance, I felt embarrassed and defensive. I spent the remainder of the day replaying the dialog in my head, making an attempt to justify why my work was truly tremendous because it was.
Wanting again, I wasn’t upset as a result of the suggestions was unfair—I used to be upset as a result of deep down, I used to be already questioning my talents, and listening to it from another person simply confirmed my worst fears.
Individuals who appear assured however wrestle with insecurity usually react this manner. They may brush off criticism, make excuses, and even get irritated when somebody factors out a flaw. Not as a result of they imagine they’re excellent—however as a result of they’re afraid they’re not adequate.
3) They at all times should be proper
The best enemy of information is just not ignorance, it’s the phantasm of information.
— Stephen Hawking
People who find themselves actually assured in themselves don’t really feel the necessity to win each argument. They’ll admit after they’re mistaken, change their thoughts when offered with new data, and have interaction in discussions while not having to dominate them.
However when somebody seems assured but is secretly insecure, admitting they’re mistaken feels not possible.
They’ll debate endlessly, double down on weak factors, or shift the goalposts simply to keep away from conceding. It’s not concerning the matter itself—it’s about what being “mistaken” represents to them.
If they admit fault, even on one thing small, it chips away on the picture they’ve rigorously constructed for themselves.
Insecurity makes individuals cling to certainty, even when it’s clear they don’t have all of the solutions. The should be proper isn’t about proving one thing to others—it’s about defending themselves from self-doubt.
4) They overcompensate with perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t nearly having excessive requirements—it’s usually a protection mechanism. Research have proven that many perfectionists wrestle with deep emotions of inadequacy, utilizing their relentless pursuit of flawlessness to masks self-doubt.
Somebody who seems assured however is secretly insecure may obsess over the smallest particulars, refuse to delegate duties, or procrastinate as a result of they worry their work gained’t be “adequate.”
To the skin world, they appear disciplined and pushed. However beneath the floor, they’re battling an inside voice that tells them something lower than excellent is a failure.
It’s not nearly getting issues proper—it’s about avoiding the disgrace of getting one thing mistaken. Even after they obtain one thing nice, they hardly ever really feel happy as a result of their confidence is tied to exterior validation fairly than real self-assurance.
5) They deflect with humor or sarcasm
Not all insecurity appears to be like like self-doubt—typically, it appears to be like like a wonderfully timed joke. People who find themselves secretly insecure usually use humor or sarcasm to steer consideration away from their vulnerabilities.
They may make enjoyable of themselves earlier than anybody else can, brush off severe conversations with a joke, or flip each state of affairs into one thing lighthearted.
On the floor, it looks like confidence—they’re quick-witted, charming, and by no means take issues too critically. However in actuality, humor turns into a defend, a approach to keep away from uncomfortable truths or deeper feelings.
It’s one factor to have a superb humorousness, however when somebody constantly makes use of it to dodge actual conversations or disguise their struggles, it’s usually an indication that they don’t really feel as safe as they appear.
6) They search validation however fake they don’t want it
Somebody who is really assured doesn’t depend on exterior approval to really feel safe. However when somebody is secretly insecure, they usually crave validation—whereas doing every part they will to make it seem to be they don’t.
They may subtly fish for compliments, downplay their achievements in a manner that invitations reassurance, or act detached towards reward whereas secretly needing it to be ok with themselves.
Typically, they’ll even act like they don’t care what anybody thinks, insisting that they’re above looking for approval, when in actuality, they’re paying shut consideration to how others understand them.
It’s a fragile balancing act—desirous to be seen and appreciated, however fearing that needing validation makes them weak.
As a substitute of brazenly acknowledging this want, they disguise it behind indifference or self-deprecating remarks, hoping somebody will see by it and supply the reassurance they gained’t ask for straight.
7) They’ve a tough time celebrating others
Confidence isn’t nearly feeling good about your self—it’s additionally about being safe sufficient to understand others with out feeling threatened.
However when somebody seems assured but struggles with insecurity, they usually discover it troublesome to genuinely have fun different individuals’s successes.
They may downplay another person’s achievements, supply a half-hearted praise, or shortly shift the dialog again to themselves. In some instances, they might even really feel an unstated sense of competitors, as if another person’s win one way or the other makes them much less profitable by comparability.
It’s not that they don’t need to be joyful for others—it’s that deep down, each success they witness reminds them of their very own self-doubt.
As a substitute of feeling impressed, they really feel insufficient, as in the event that they’re falling behind in a race nobody else is definitely operating.
8) They hold individuals at a distance
True confidence permits for actual connection—as a result of while you really feel safe in your self, you’re not afraid of being totally seen. However those that are secretly insecure usually hold others at arm’s size, even when they seem outgoing and sociable.
They may keep away from deep conversations, deflect private questions, or keep a rigorously curated model of themselves that by no means reveals an excessive amount of. They are often the lifetime of the celebration, the individual everybody admires, but nonetheless really feel remoted as a result of they don’t let anybody shut sufficient to see the cracks beneath the floor.
The worry isn’t nearly rejection—it’s about publicity. If somebody will get too shut, they could see the doubts, the imperfections, the issues that don’t align with the assured picture they challenge.
And for somebody who ties their self-worth to that picture, letting individuals in appears like the largest danger of all.
The underside line
In the event you acknowledged your self in any of those behaviors, you’re not alone. Many individuals who appear probably the most confident are carrying doubts they hardly ever admit, even to themselves.
The excellent news is that actual confidence isn’t about perfection—it’s about self-acceptance. It’s about recognizing the place insecurity reveals up and dealing by it as an alternative of masking it.
Begin by noticing while you really feel the necessity to show your self, deflect compliments, or keep away from vulnerability. Ask your self: Am I appearing from a spot of real confidence or out of worry? Would letting go of this want make me really feel extra free?
Development doesn’t occur in a single day, however self-awareness is step one. The extra you observe embracing who you might be—flaws, doubts, and all—the much less energy insecurity has over you.
And that’s the place actual confidence begins.