I’ve spent a fair proportion of my counseling periods with people who repeatedly promote themselves brief, doubt their skills, or stay unaware of the worth they create to the world.
You may see them shrug off compliments with statements like, “It’s not a giant deal,” or “I simply acquired fortunate.” These behaviors generally appear innocent, however they are often signposts of a deeper concern—one rooted in an lack of ability to acknowledge their very own value.
That’s what I wish to discover immediately: eight traits that have a tendency to point out up in individuals who battle to see their worth. As somebody who’s been within the relationship and counseling subject for a few years, I’ve observed how these traits play out not simply in romantic partnerships, however in friendships, households, and workplaces.
Many people show one or two of those traits occasionally, however of us with persistent struggles round self-worth usually see a number of objects on this record present up of their each day lives.
So when you or somebody you recognize resonates with what I’m about to share, don’t really feel alarmed—that is merely a place to begin for consciousness. Let’s check out these eight distinctive traits.
1. They downplay their achievements
I’ve watched numerous individuals brush off their accomplishments as in the event that they’re trivial. Think about somebody who’s simply earned a promotion at work, however when congratulated, they are saying, “I assume my boss simply wanted somebody to fill the spot.” That’s a basic instance of minimizing one’s achievements.
The oldsters at Healthline stand behind this, noting that people with low vanity usually don’t give themselves credit score for what they obtain.
As an alternative, they may attribute success to exterior components akin to luck or timing. This not solely reductions their arduous work but additionally perpetuates a adverse cycle the place they by no means absolutely acknowledge the position their efforts play of their successes.
One motive for this tendency could be a worry of trying smug. However there’s a giant distinction between having a wholesome sense of pleasure in one thing you’ve completed and bragging incessantly about it. After we can’t see the excellence, we’d discover ourselves trivializing our wins so we received’t stand out.
2. They over-apologize
Do you ever stumble upon somebody in a crowded hallway and catch your self saying, “Sorry!”—even when it was the opposite one that bumped into you? Over-apologizing is frequent in individuals who don’t absolutely acknowledge their value. It’s like an instinctual response, nearly as in the event that they consider they’re inherently imposing on the world.
From my vantage level in counseling, I’ve seen how incessant apologizing turns into second nature. It stems from a sense that they’re “at all times within the fallacious,” which, in flip, makes them overly cautious in social conditions.
If you don’t worth your self, you may really feel the necessity to shrink again, hold the peace, or make sure you’re not a burden—so apologizing for each little factor turns into a go-to technique.
Brené Brown has a quote that resonates right here: “Proudly owning our story could be arduous however not practically as troublesome as spending our lives working from it.” Continuous apologies generally is a type of “working” from the potential for battle or disapproval. It’s safer to imagine blame than to claim your self.
3. They keep away from the highlight in any respect prices
I’m considerably of an introvert myself, so I perceive the discomfort that may include being the focal point. Nevertheless, there’s a marked distinction between a easy choice to remain behind the scenes and actively dodging any type of acknowledgment as a result of low self-worth.
The crew at Psychology As we speak has highlighted that when people keep away from being acknowledged, it’s usually rooted in a worry that others will uncover they’re not as competent or deserving as they seem.
This hyperlinks to one thing psychologists check with as “impostor syndrome,” the place you continually really feel such as you’ve fooled everybody into pondering you’re extra succesful than you really are.
I bear in mind working with a consumer who refused to carry her birthday celebration in a public setting. She was petrified of getting mates toast her achievements or have a good time her life. It wasn’t simply social anxiousness—she couldn’t stand the concept that others may bathe her with reward, as a result of she didn’t consider she was value celebrating.
That’s a basic instance of avoiding the highlight rooted in deeper problems with self-worth.
4. They search exterior validation relentlessly
Lots of people crave validation—it’s a part of human nature to wish to really feel seen and heard. However for somebody who struggles with their self-worth, exterior validation can change into a lifeline. They find yourself relying closely on mates, romantic companions, or colleagues to find out whether or not they’re “adequate.”
I as soon as had a dialog with an in depth buddy who would ship me drafts of each single e mail she wrote—even one thing as small as confirming an appointment. She needed fixed assurance that what she was doing was acceptable.
Because the crew over at Verywell Thoughts talked about, this sort of conduct retains you caught since you change into depending on others for a way of safety or competence.
Michelle Obama as soon as mentioned, “We have to do a greater job of placing ourselves larger on our personal ‘to do’ record.” That line at all times strikes me once I take into consideration individuals who prioritize validation from others over self-approval.
Should you don’t consider in your personal value, you may change into hooked on exterior sources to fill that void. However on the finish of the day, no quantity of out of doors reward can absolutely persuade you of your worth when you don’t purchase into it your self.
5. They’ve hassle setting boundaries
I’ve written earlier than about how essential boundaries are in any relationship—romantic, familial, or skilled. (You might need learn my publish on find out how to navigate powerful love with out burning bridges.)
One factor I’ve observed is that individuals who battle with self-worth additionally battle to take care of clear boundaries. In spite of everything, when you don’t see your wants as legitimate, why would you insist on them?
In my counseling apply, I usually meet purchasers who let relations stroll throughout them or deal with extra workload than is cheap as a result of they’ll’t convey themselves to say “no.” Deep down, they may consider they’ve much less proper to talk up.
This will result in resentment, burnout, and a profound sense of being unappreciated. But satirically, they don’t notice that a part of the issue is their lack of ability to acknowledge the validity of their very own limits.
It’s a troublesome cycle: low self-worth results in weak boundaries, weak boundaries result in feeling used or uncared for, and that feeling reinforces low self-worth.
Breaking this chain requires regularly practising boundary-setting expertise, like politely declining requests that stretch you too skinny, and remembering that your well-being isn’t any much less essential than anybody else’s.
6. They worry rejection extra intensely than others
Let’s be trustworthy: nobody notably enjoys rejection. However for these with fragile self-worth, the potential for being turned down—whether or not it’s for a job, a date, or an opinion—could be terrifying. The mere trace of rejection can really feel like a private condemnation of their complete character.
Daniel Goleman is understood for his work on emotional intelligence, and though he’s usually quoted on empathy and consciousness, it’s value noting how emotional intelligence performs a task right here.
Should you’re not in tune with your personal worth, then each adverse final result feels earth-shattering. It’s arduous to decipher the distinction between a situational letdown and a press release about your general value as an individual.
I recall a consumer who was so afraid of being informed “no” that she would sabotage her personal efforts simply to keep away from the potential for listening to it. For her, not making an attempt felt safer than placing herself on the market and risking successful to an already fragile vanity.
Whereas worry of rejection is regular, it turns into distinctly limiting when it prevents you from pursuing alternatives that might really construct your confidence over time.
7. They cling to relationships even once they’re dangerous
Have you ever ever stayed in a scenario far longer than it’s best to have, just because the worry of being alone or unworthy was stronger than the will to be in a wholesome setting?
Individuals who underestimate their worth usually do precisely that. I’ve seen this sample in skilled settings—the place somebody stays in a poisonous work setting—and in private relationships which are clearly draining and even emotionally abusive.
Maya Angelou as soon as wrote, “Nothing can dim the sunshine which shines from inside.” However when you don’t acknowledge you’ve gotten that interior mild to start with, you may latch onto individuals who deal with you poorly, mistaking their crumbs of affection for real love or acceptance.
You may additionally consider that that is the perfect you deserve, so strolling away or in search of higher remedy looks like of venture you’re scared to take.
In my e-book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I touched on the idea of codependency. When your self-worth is in query, codependent tendencies can skyrocket—you keep not since you’re comfortable, however as a result of the mere thought of leaving is simply too overwhelming.
It’s a troublesome cycle to interrupt, however acknowledging your inherent value is a important first step.
8. They battle to simply accept compliments
I’ve saved a giant one till final, mates. Compliments, to somebody who doesn’t acknowledge their value, can really feel nearly painful. They could reply with a flustered “Oh, it was nothing,” and even flip the praise again onto the opposite individual. It’s like they’re carrying emotional Teflon—any reward simply slides off.
This was a problem I personally confronted once I began sharing my writings publicly. I’d obtain variety feedback from readers however instantly discredit them, pondering they have been simply “being good.” Over time, I spotted that dismissing compliments was a manner of invalidating not solely what others noticed in me, but additionally my very own potential.
When somebody struggles to consider good issues about themselves, each praise can really feel like an empty gesture—or worse, a lie.
However the actuality is, real compliments are sometimes well-deserved acknowledgments of who you might be or what you’ve completed. Studying to say, “Thanks, I respect that,” is a small however highly effective step towards embracing your true worth.
Closing ideas
All of those traits, taken collectively, paint an image of somebody who doesn’t see their very own value. Generally, individuals determine with one or two of those traits; different occasions, they’re coping with the whole record.
If this sounds such as you, don’t panic—consciousness is half the battle. Realizing the place you stand is step one towards breaking patterns that hold you caught in a low vanity loop.
Many instruments may also help you shift your mindset: remedy, assist teams, journaling, and even discovering a mentor who believes in you. It’s not about turning into smug—it’s about recognizing that you’ve distinctive expertise, strengths, and a rightful place on this world.
As Susan Cain has famously mentioned in her work on introversion and sensitivity, embracing your inherent qualities generally is a liberating drive that fuels more healthy relationships and a extra genuine life.
Even child steps, akin to accepting a praise or voicing your wants clearly, can construct confidence over time. It doesn’t occur in a single day, however every small victory serves as proof that you’re beneficial, succesful, and deserving of pleasure.
Signing off.