I’ve come throughout many individuals in my counseling work who wrestle with the straightforward but oh-so-complex phrase “no.” They discover themselves nodding and agreeing to favors, occasions, and duties, even when there’s a nagging voice of their head screaming for them to say no.
Over time, these patterns can eat away at an individual’s sense of self and, paradoxically, their relationships. As a result of let’s be sincere: saying “sure” once you actually imply “no” typically results in pent-up resentment, burnout, and even battle.
So, let’s discuss 9 frequent behaviors I’ve seen in people who’ve a troublesome time refusing requests—even after they desperately wish to.
1. They overcommit to duties
One of many first telltale indicators is a jam-packed schedule with barely any respiratory room. If you happen to’re unable to say “I’m sorry, however I can’t try this,” you may end up juggling far too many obligations directly.
Earlier than it, your calendar is double-booked, you’re racing from one obligation to the following, and all of the when you’re questioning how on earth you bought so overwhelmed.
From a counselor’s viewpoint, this sort of overcommitment typically stems from desirous to be seen as dependable or easygoing. It feels good to be wanted—or so we expect.
However it could possibly shortly change into an unhealthy behavior that leaves you with zero time for real relaxation or self-care. It’s okay to be useful, however should you’re saying “sure” each single time somebody asks for a favor, you’re inserting your individual well-being at severe threat.
2. They wrestle with boundaries
Boundaries may sound like a scary phrase, however all it actually means is understanding what you’re comfy with, what your limits are, and speaking them successfully.
Saying “no” is a part of that equation. Individuals who at all times say “sure,” even after they don’t wish to, normally haven’t clarified their very own boundaries within the first place.
I recall a former shopper who was the go-to volunteer for each occasion in her group. She needed to look pleasant and heat, however she was additionally exhausted, frazzled, and infrequently had a second for herself.
In our classes, it turned crystal clear that she had by no means taken the time to determine her emotional and bodily limits. If she’d acknowledged them earlier, her “no” may need come extra naturally—and saved her years of stress-related signs.
3. They apologize excessively
Have you ever ever caught your self (or another person) beginning each different sentence with “I’m sorry…”? This generally is a pink flag that your pure inclination is to appease everybody round you, even when it means letting go of your individual wants.
Once we fail to set boundaries, we find yourself on the defensive, typically feeling like we’ve to elucidate or justify each single determination we make—particularly if it’d ruffle another person’s feathers.
The professionals over at Verywell Thoughts stand behind this, noting that people-pleasers typically have a powerful urge to maintain the peace, to the purpose they apologize for issues that aren’t their fault or past their management. It’s a behavior that may worsen over time, reinforcing the assumption that your wants—and even your mere presence—are inconvenient.
4. They rely closely on exterior validation
In my expertise, people who can’t say “no” usually crave exterior validation greater than they understand. They lean on compliments or expressions of gratitude to be ok with themselves.
When somebody thanks you for coming to their rescue (but once more), it could possibly really feel like a heat glow of acceptance. However the second that gratitude disappears or is taken without any consideration, you’re left feeling unseen and even used.
When our sense of price is determined by how blissful others are with us, we threat dropping sight of our personal targets, values, and, most significantly, well-being. Michelle Obama as soon as remarked, “You may’t make choices primarily based on concern and the potential for what may occur.”
That resonates right here, as a result of should you’re consistently dwelling in concern of disappointing somebody, you’ll seemingly discover it near-impossible to say “no.”
5. They really feel responsible for prioritizing themselves
Generally, the concern of being labeled “egocentric” can overshadow your real wants. I’ve seen that guilt is a big driver behind the lack to say “no.”
Even should you’re completely maxed out together with your workload, or just eager for a quiet evening at dwelling, there’s that pang in your chest that claims, “However what in the event that they want me?” or “I don’t wish to allow them to down.”
You may need learn my publish on setting wholesome private boundaries the place I dove deep into how this guilt will be tied to childhood experiences or cultural expectations. Nevertheless it develops, the underside line is that guilt can hold you locked in a cycle of agreeing to assist—even once you’re screaming internally for an escape hatch.
6. They concern battle greater than something
For a lot of, “no” isn’t only a phrase; it’s a possible set off for arguments, damage emotions, and uncomfortable confrontations. Individuals who can’t abdomen the thought of battle will typically select the trail of least resistance, which normally finally ends up being an computerized “sure.”
However paradoxically, consistently making an attempt to keep away from battle doesn’t imply battle gained’t occur; it typically means it will get bottled up after which explodes in surprising methods afterward.
The parents at Psychology In the present day stand behind this, noting that people-pleasing can create a number of pent-up frustration, which ultimately seeps out by resentment or passive-aggressive remarks. So when you may suppose you’re heading off battle by agreeing, chances are you’ll simply be suspending a a lot larger blow-up.
7. They maintain onto resentment
Talking of resentment: this emotion is a major indicator that one thing’s off with the way you’re dealing with boundaries and requests.
If you constantly put different individuals’s wants forward of yours and swallow your discontent, these emotions don’t simply vanish. They brew below the floor, reworking into resentment towards the individuals you’re making an attempt so laborious to please—and even towards your self for not standing up on your personal wants.
As Brene Brown famously stated, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the braveness to like ourselves, even once we threat disappointing others.” This quote has at all times resonated with me, notably after I see how resentment can wreck a superbly good relationship.
By neglecting to say “no,” we would suppose we’re preserving concord, however in actuality, we’re permitting destructive feelings to fester beneath the floor.
8. They change into passive-aggressive
There’s an previous saying that should you don’t communicate your reality, your physique (or habits) will communicate it for you. This may appear like displaying up late to occasions you by no means needed to attend within the first place, or “forgetting” duties you promised to do.
Perhaps you make little digs at the one that requested you for a favor, otherwise you roll your eyes each time they are saying “thanks.” You may not acknowledge it as passive aggression, however these delicate behaviors are your psyche’s approach of rebelling towards one thing you by no means actually agreed to.
Passive-aggressive habits can injury relationships simply as a lot as overt battle—typically extra so, as a result of it creates a way of confusion or hostility that’s laborious to handle head-on. If you happen to’re nodding in recognition, it could be time to discover why you’re so uncomfortable with a direct and sincere “no.”
9. They expertise burnout and exhaustion
I’ve saved an enormous one till final, pals. Burnout—each bodily and emotional—is sort of inevitable once you chronically overextend your self.
If you’re eternally catering to others, your individual self-care slides down the precedence record. You skip meals, lose sleep, or sacrifice private pursuits simply to maintain everybody else blissful. And what does that result in? Bodily fatigue, psychological exhaustion, and even diseases like stress-related complications or nervousness.
Maya Angelou as soon as stated, “You may’t actually know the place you’re going till the place you could have been.” Reflecting on intervals of burnout in my very own life, I noticed it typically stemmed from a concern of disappointing individuals or not dwelling as much as a picture I believed I needed to keep. My physique ultimately pressured me to confront my boundaries head-on.
It’s a lesson I proceed to share with my shoppers—and a core precept I mentioned in my guide Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. Exhaustion is your physique’s alarm system telling you it’s time to shift gears.
Remaining ideas
Struggling to say “no” is greater than only a minor inconvenience. It’s a sample that may erode shallowness, pressure relationships, and even compromise your psychological and bodily well being. I’ve seen it in my follow, witnessed it amongst my shut pals, and—at instances—acknowledged it in my very own life.
The excellent news is that you would be able to break this sample. It includes constructing self-awareness, understanding the place these behaviors come from, and training small steps in boundary setting, even when it feels awkward at first.
One tip: begin with light refusals in low-stakes conditions. If somebody invitations you to an occasion and also you’re genuinely worn out, honor your want for relaxation.
You could be stunned at how liberating it feels to remain true to your self. Over time, these small “no’s” will help you reclaim your time, your power, and, most significantly, your sense of self.
Signing off.