I keep in mind an outdated teammate of mine who all the time appeared so put-together—excellent make-up, impeccable outfits, flawless Instagram feed. But each time anybody complimented her, she’d shrug it off and shortly change the subject. She had this sample of constructing offhand feedback about her “flaws” that no one else had even observed.
At first, I believed she was simply being humble. However the extra time I spent round her, the clearer it grew to become that beneath her polished exterior, she was quietly wrestling with insecurities about her look.
In right this moment’s image-focused tradition, it may be surprisingly straightforward to cover how we really really feel about the way in which we glance. Most of us have days after we’re self-conscious a few pimple on our chin or the form of our nostril. That’s pure.
However for some individuals, the insecurity runs deeper, simmering just under the floor. From my very own experiences as each an athlete and a wellness coach, listed here are seven indicators that recommend somebody is perhaps extra insecure about their seems than they let on.
1. They fake compliments don’t exist
One telltale signal is the way in which they reply to compliments—or, extra precisely, how they battle to reply in any respect. When you discover somebody constantly disregarding sort phrases with phrases like “Oh, cease,” or “You’re simply being good,” it’d point out they aren’t snug accepting constructive suggestions.
Positive, loads of individuals modestly play down a praise at times. However when it occurs each single time, it will possibly level to a deeper sense of unworthiness tied to their look.
I’ve seen this habits in shoppers who’re really meticulous about their grooming or fashion. They could appear like they’ve all of it collectively, however on the within, they don’t consider they deserve recognition.
In response to Dr. Andrew Huberman—whose insights on neuroscience I typically reference—the mind’s reward system can turn out to be skewed if we consistently reject constructive enter. We’re principally coaching ourselves to not belief compliments, which solely reinforces our unfavorable self-image over time.
2. They overcompensate with “excellent” grooming
There’s nothing fallacious with having fun with a strong skincare routine or a trendy outfit. However when somebody is secretly insecure, they could go overboard, nearly like they’re carrying armor.
As a substitute of utilizing garments or make-up as a type of self-expression, they depend on them as shields to cover behind. The second that defend cracks—possibly they depart the home with out make-up or their outfit isn’t 100% on level—they really feel off-balance.
In my early 20s, I had a part the place I refused to go anyplace and not using a full face of make-up. Associates thought I used to be simply “high-maintenance.” In actuality, I felt that if individuals noticed me with out my mascara and ideal eyeliner, they’d see the actual, flawed model of me.
It took me some time to appreciate that perfection was my manner of masking insecurities. So if somebody appears hyper-focused on by no means being caught in a less-than-perfect state, they could be wrestling with deeper vanity points than they’re keen to confess.
3. They use humor to deflect consideration
One other widespread tactic is making jokes at their very own expense earlier than anybody else can. Perhaps you’ve observed that good friend who consistently cracks jokes about having a “huge nostril” or “dangerous pores and skin,” particularly when a digicam seems.
It’s like they’re racing to insult themselves earlier than anyone else even has the possibility. That is typically a protection mechanism—in the event that they level out their perceived flaw in a comedic manner, then it feels much less painful if others have been to touch upon it.
I used to teach a younger athlete who would make enjoyable of her personal lanky limbs, though she was extremely gifted and match. She’d chuckle and say, “I’m only a strolling coat hanger,” and everybody else would chuckle, too.
But it surely was heartbreaking when she admitted she really believed she didn’t measure as much as her teammates who she seen as “completely proportioned.” For her, humor was a approach to really feel in management—if she made the joke, then she wasn’t the butt of it.
4. They overanalyze images and social media posts
We’ve all clicked “Delete” on a photograph we hated, proper? However some individuals take this to the intense, spending hours enhancing and re-editing, or snapping dozens of selfies simply to search out one shot they’ll tolerate.
After they lastly publish one thing, they’ll ask for a thousand confirmations: “Is that this okay? Is the lighting proper? Do I look bizarre?” And even after posting, they could take it down if it doesn’t get quick constructive suggestions.
James Clear, creator of Atomic Habits, typically emphasizes how small habits can compound over time. Spending infinite hours analyzing photos might appear to be a minor quirk, nevertheless it typically stems from—and worsens—an underlying insecurity.
When each picture or social media publish is a minefield of potential criticism, it will possibly point out a deeper fear that they’re merely not adequate as they’re. In my teaching days, I noticed firsthand how physique insecurities might flourish within the hyper-curated world of Instagram, reinforcing that want for exterior validation.
5. They go silent when seems are the subject
Whereas some individuals disguise behind humor or perfectionism, others go the other route: they clam up each time the dialog veers towards look. They’ll change the topic if somebody begins speaking about physique targets or skincare routines.
Or they’ll all of the sudden want to make use of the restroom the second compliments are exchanged in a gaggle. This silence generally is a signal that the subject triggers uncomfortable emotions they’d reasonably dodge.
One in all my buddies used to get visibly anxious when conversations turned to vogue or weight reduction suggestions. She’d fidget, examine her telephone, or discover an excuse to go away the room. Later, she confided in me that though she appeared confident, she all the time felt “lower than” each time individuals round her began evaluating seems.
Her avoidance was a protecting technique—if she didn’t have interaction within the dialogue, she wouldn’t should confront her personal insecurities.
6. They consistently evaluate themselves to others
It’s regular to take a look at somebody and suppose, “Wow, I really like their fashion,” or “I want I might pull off that haircut.” But when somebody is perpetually measuring themselves in opposition to others—from colleagues to celebrities—they is perhaps harboring deep insecurity.
They could say issues like, “I might by no means look pretty much as good as she does in that gown,” or “He has the proper jawline; I’m jealous.” These comparisons could be delivered with a smile, however typically there’s actual unhappiness lurking behind that envy.
Once I was nonetheless competing, I spent quite a lot of time with individuals who have been in peak bodily situation. As a substitute of focusing alone strengths, I’d evaluate each muscle, each stride.
That is one purpose Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability resonates so strongly with me. She talks about how comparability can erode our sense of self-worth by convincing us we’re not sufficient—good sufficient, sturdy sufficient, or stunning sufficient—simply as we’re.
For somebody hiding their insecurity, this ongoing comparability generally is a relentless psychological battle.
7. They Search Validation In Delicate Methods
Whereas some people may straightforwardly say, “Do I look okay?” others will do it extra not directly. They could publish a photograph on-line and wait anxiously for a sure good friend to remark.
Or they’ll ask for fashion recommendation, saying one thing like, “I’m undecided if this outfit is simply too bizarre,” hoping for a reassuring “You look superb!” Delicate “fishing for compliments” typically signifies a deeper starvation for validation.
In my very own journey, I’ve caught myself looking for little hints that somebody authorised of my look—possibly it was a lingering look or a fast praise. I’d fake to not care, however deep down, I used to be hanging on their each response.
Over time, I spotted that the fixed want for outdoor reassurance was exhausting. It saved me from studying the ability of self-acceptance. If somebody round you appears to thrive solely after they obtain affirmation about their seems, there could also be some hidden insecurity fueling that want.
Conclusion
By sharing these indicators, I don’t imply to encourage us all to turn out to be armchair psychologists, diagnosing each good friend who deflects a praise. My hope is that with a little bit extra consciousness, we’ll be higher outfitted to reply to the refined cues of somebody hiding how they actually really feel about themselves.
Typically, a little bit empathy—provided within the type of real listening, heartfelt compliments, or just not making look the middle of debate—can go a good distance.
If any of those factors resonate with you personally, know that you just’re not alone. It’s extremely widespread to really feel insecure in a world that’s so image-driven. The excellent news is that self-compassion and deeper private work can shift these beliefs over time.
Whether or not it’s by means of journaling, remedy, mindfulness, or speaking it out with somebody you belief, discovering wholesome methods to simply accept your personal reflection can ease that fixed hum of self-doubt. In any case, true confidence isn’t about chasing perfection; it’s about recognizing that who you might be, flaws and all, deserves to be celebrated.