If somebody tells you “you’re so courageous”, you may really feel flattered. However wait, what did they imply by that? Are they implying that you simply’re dealing with some form of adversity they don’t suppose they might have the braveness to face?
That’s the difficult factor about language. Some phrases, whereas sounding candy on the floor, can have a hidden sting.
I’ve discovered that the laborious method. And I guess, you’ve been there too. That’s why I’ve put collectively a listing of 8 phrases that sound good initially, however are literally fairly condescending.
Let’s dive in, lets?
1) “You’re so courageous”
Isn’t it only a punch to the intestine? You’re minding your individual enterprise, perhaps sharing one thing you’re happy with, after which BAM! Somebody hits you with the “You’re so courageous.”
At first, it appears like a praise. However then, you begin to surprise what they meant by that. Are they implying there’s one thing inherently difficult or daunting about your state of affairs?
Positive, it may be supposed as reward to your braveness. However, it will probably additionally subtly suggest that the individual thinks you’re dealing with a state of affairs they think about uncommon or tough – one they may not need to face themselves.
And that’s when it begins sounding much less like a praise and extra like a pat on the top. Like they’re acknowledging your wrestle whereas concurrently making it appear irregular.
That, my pals, is condescension masked as a praise.
2) “Good for you”
This one actually will get me. I keep in mind as soon as, I excitedly advised a colleague a few new challenge I used to be beginning. As an alternative of a real “congratulations” or “that’s thrilling”, I obtained a easy “good for you.”
At first, it appeared like a optimistic response. However then, I realised the underlying message. There was this unstated implication that what was good for me may not be good or spectacular to others.
It felt like they had been patting me on the top and saying, “That’s cute, you retain doing you.” It’s like they had been subtly belittling my achievements and brushing them off as insignificant.
Whereas “good for you” might sound like a praise initially, it will probably typically be a sly method of undermining your accomplishments.
3) “You look nice to your age”
Let’s face it, all of us age. It’s a pure a part of life. But, society typically views ageing as one thing unfavourable, one thing to be fought in opposition to.
“You look nice to your age” looks as if a praise on the floor, but it surely’s typically a veiled insult. By including “to your age”, it implies that the individual ought to look worse as a result of they’re older, or that wanting good and being previous are mutually unique.
In some cultures, age is revered and seen as an indication of knowledge and expertise, not one thing to be hidden or fought in opposition to. However phrases like this present how our society typically attaches magnificence and value to youth.
The following time you need to praise somebody’s appears, perhaps simply keep on with “you look nice.” No have to carry age into it.
4) “Bless your coronary heart”
This one is a basic. Particularly within the Southern United States, the place it’s typically used as a well mannered strategy to categorical sympathy or concern.
However make no mistake, “bless your coronary heart” could be a double-edged sword. Sure, it may be used genuinely to point out empathy. However most of the time, it’s a sweet-sounding strategy to inform somebody they’re naive, silly, or have merely made a mistake.
It’s like saying, “Oh, you poor factor. You simply don’t know any higher.” And that’s the place the condescension sneaks in.
Subsequent time somebody tells you “bless your coronary heart”, take a second to contemplate their tone and the context. It may not be as harmless because it appears.
5) “That’s fascinating”
This phrase is my private pet peeve. I’ve heard it so many occasions when sharing my concepts or ideas. “That’s fascinating” could be a real response, an indication that the individual is intrigued or fascinated by what you’re saying.
However, in my expertise, it’s typically used when the individual doesn’t actually discover what you’re saying intriguing in any respect. It’s like they’re saying “I don’t agree with you, however I’m not going to argue about it.”
If I had a greenback for each time I’ve heard “that’s fascinating” as a well mannered substitute for indifference or disagreement, I’d be fairly effectively off by now.
So, whereas it sounds good initially, “that’s fascinating” could be a refined method of dismissing your concepts.
6) “I might by no means do what you do”
This phrase may appear to be excessive reward at first look. It appears like they’re admiring your abilities or acknowledging the problem of your process.
However there’s a sneaky undercurrent right here.
By saying they might “by no means do what you do”, they might be subtly suggesting that your job or process is one thing undesirable or unappealing.
It’s a difficult one as a result of it’s really easy to misread as a praise. However in actuality, it’d simply be a well mannered method of expressing distaste or disapproval for what you do.
7) “It’s as much as you”
On the floor, this looks as if a method of providing you with management or respecting your determination. However, in sure contexts, “it’s as much as you” could be a passive-aggressive method of claiming, “I don’t agree with you, however I’m not going to argue about it.”
It will probably recommend that the individual doesn’t need to take duty for the choice or doesn’t care in regards to the consequence.
So whereas it’d really feel empowering at first, “it’s as much as you” can truly be a reasonably dismissive phrase. Be cautious of the context and tone when this phrase is used.
8) “No offense, however…”
This phrase is the granddaddy of all backhanded compliments. It’s mainly a free move to say one thing doubtlessly offensive or hurtful, with the idea that the preface absolves the speaker of any blame.
“No offense, however…” is usually adopted by a sweeping generalization, an insult, or a private assault. It’s a covert method of expressing disapproval or criticism with out taking duty for the impression of 1’s phrases.
Bear in mind, simply because somebody says “no offense” doesn’t make their remark any much less offensive. You probably have one thing to say that requires this preface, perhaps it’s higher left unsaid.
Understanding the ability of phrases
Phrases are highly effective instruments. They will construct bridges or tear them down, elevate us up or push us down. The phrases we’ve explored, whereas sounding nice on the floor, carry a hidden weight that may subtly undermine or belittle.
It’s essential to keep in mind that communication is not only in regards to the phrases we are saying. It’s additionally in regards to the intention behind them and the way they’re obtained.
A seemingly harmless phrase can carry a sting if it’s delivered with a sure tone or in a selected context.
As we navigate our conversations, let’s try to make use of our phrases genuinely and respectfully. Let’s keep in mind that every phrase we utter has the potential to both foster connection or create division.
Let’s select our phrases correctly and keep in mind, simply because a phrase sounds good, doesn’t imply it all the time is.