Typically, we are able to’t assist however smile when somebody gives a comforting phrase. We hear phrases like “I’m telling you this as a result of I like you,” and for a second, we really feel protected.
However what if these well-meaning sentiments had a hidden agenda lurking beneath?
Gaslighting, by definition, is a refined type of emotional manipulation, and certainly one of its best techniques entails cloaking management in phrases that sound candy or supportive on the floor.
I’ve seen it numerous occasions in my follow: a companion, pal, or member of the family insists they solely have your finest curiosity at coronary heart whereas quietly undermining your actuality.
Over time, I’ve guided many people in recognizing that not each “caring” phrase is as benign because it appears. Gaslighting can creep in slowly, catching you off guard till you’re second-guessing your individual ideas and emotions.
The worst half? You is likely to be thanking the very one that’s making you doubt your self.
On this submit, I wish to share a number of deceptively sweet-sounding strains which will truly be warning indicators of manipulative conduct.
1. “You already know I solely say this as a result of I like you”
This phrase usually slips into conversations when somebody desires you to just accept a backhanded critique with out query.
It carries a surface-level assurance—“I care about you”—but it surely’s often adopted by phrases which will undermine your confidence.
Listening to “You already know I solely say this as a result of I like you” could make you’re feeling responsible for pushing again on no matter “loving” comment they made.
The implication is that if you happen to don’t admire it, you’re refusing their love or ignoring their concern. It’s a refined however efficient tactic to cease you from difficult their opinion.
Real love fosters sincere dialogue with out disgrace. Gaslighters, alternatively, exploit love as a device to guilt-trip you into compliance.
If one thing doesn’t really feel proper, belief that intuition. Feeling cherished shouldn’t include a dose of unease, and real care doesn’t depart you questioning your price.
2. “I’m simply attempting to guard you from getting harm”
At face worth, this sounds noble. All of us wish to defend the individuals we care about, proper?
However gaslighters can weaponize this phrase to restrict your freedom or maintain you from doing one thing they don’t approve of.
You would possibly hear it once you resolve to start out a brand new mission, befriend somebody they dislike, or specific an unpopular opinion.
Immediately, your independence turns into a “danger,” they usually swoop in, proclaiming solely the purest intentions.
The factor is, actual safety comes with respect in your autonomy. Which means permitting you to make your individual selections, even when there’s an opportunity you would possibly fail.
If somebody makes use of the guise of “safety” to discourage you from pursuing objectives or experiences, it is likely to be much less about safeguarding your well-being and extra about retaining you in verify.
I’ve heard many individuals say they felt stifled by these so-called caring phrases, believing for too lengthy {that a} caring companion or pal ought to at all times take the reins.
3. “I’m not blaming you, however…”
Pay shut consideration to what follows that “however,” as a result of 9 occasions out of ten, it’s a sneaky blame bomb.
It’s like wrapping an insult in a velvet glove—the opening line tries to disarm you by saying it’s not your fault, but the remainder of the sentence heaps duty in your shoulders.
In spite of everything, in the event that they’re “not blaming you,” how are you going to argue towards them?
I recall a time when a shopper shared how her companion at all times opened robust conversations with this phrase.
She’d decrease her defenses, considering a wholesome dialogue was coming. As an alternative, she’d discover herself leaving the discuss with a way of guilt, satisfied she’d carried out one thing improper.
That’s exactly why it’s thought of a refined type of gaslighting. It confuses your emotional radar, making you second-guess whether or not you’re at fault.
Wholesome communication would possibly embrace criticism, but it surely additionally entails clear, respectful dialogue—with out the twists and turns that depart you feeling just like the dangerous man.
4. “You’re too delicate; I used to be simply joking”
Some individuals conceal behind humor as a strategy to unload merciless or belittling remarks.
They’ll say one thing hurtful about your seems to be, your intelligence, or your choices, after which they’ll observe it up with, “Loosen up, I used to be solely kidding.”
Once you name them out, they flip the narrative, making it seem like you’re overreacting, unable to take a joke.
This can be a basic gaslighting transfer as a result of it turns consideration away from their disrespectful conduct and locations the blame in your response.
The oldsters at Psychology At the moment stand behind this, noting that humor can generally be a Malicious program for aggression.
Phrases matter, and jokes that persistently belittle you possibly can nonetheless do actual harm, even when they’re stated with amusing.
When somebody’s “joke” makes you query your price, consider that as a evident purple flag. Don’t allow them to tiptoe away from accountability by dismissing your harm emotions.
5. “I didn’t imply it that manner; you’re misunderstanding me”
All of us get misunderstood occasionally, and clarifying could be completely wholesome.
However some manipulative people use this phrase to wipe the slate clear at any time when they are saying one thing offensive or contradictory.
As an alternative of taking duty, they body the misunderstanding as your fault. You misheard. You misinterpret their tone. You took it the improper manner.
Primarily, they painting themselves because the sufferer of your “confusion.”
This tactic can lead you down a spiral of self-doubt. Earlier than you realize it, you’re apologizing for one thing they stated.
In case you usually end up backpedaling and asking, “Wait, did I actually hear it improper?”—that’s a clue one thing is likely to be off.
It’s one factor to make clear an precise miscommunication. It’s totally completely different when it turns into a sample of the opposite particular person rewriting actuality so that they keep away from accountability.
6. “I can’t imagine you don’t belief me on this”
When somebody expresses their shock or dismay that you simply don’t belief them—particularly in conditions the place you could have each proper to query them—it may be a strategy to flip the dialog.
You got here in searching for honesty, however now you’re on the defensive, reassuring them that in fact, you belief them! It’s a stealthy maneuver that derails the unique concern.
I as soon as labored with a person who persistently heard this line at any time when they tried to get readability about suspicious conduct.
They’d ask easy questions: “Why did you delete these messages in your telephone?” or “Why had been you out so late?”
As an alternative of an easy reply, they’d be met with feigned heartbreak: “I can’t imagine you assume I’m mendacity!”
Immediately, the respectable concern turns into a debate about belief, and the dialog pivots away from the actual difficulty.
Just like the individuals at Verywell Thoughts stated, manipulation usually entails “utilizing psychological distortion and emotional exploitation to affect and management others”.
In case you’re noticing that you simply usually change from being the one searching for solutions to the one apologizing for even asking, maintain a watch out for manipulation.
7. “I’m simply frightened about your psychological well being”
I’ve saved a giant one till final, pals. On the floor, this phrase could be a compassionate gesture, a suggestion to hunt assist or relaxation if you happen to’re overwhelmed.
However used incorrectly, it’s a veiled jab at your emotional stability.
A manipulator would possibly use it any time you voice considerations about their conduct, implying that your perspective is skewed since you’re mentally unwell.
They may say it in a mild tone—“I’m frightened about your psychological well being; possibly you must take a step again from this case”—however the result’s you feeling discredited.
Actual concern for somebody’s psychological well being entails assist, empathy, and constructive sources.
When an individual repeatedly hammers you with the concept that you’re “unstable” or “shedding it” merely since you’re calling them out, they’re most likely not centered in your well-being. They’re attempting to disqualify your voice.
It’s one of the insidious types of gaslighting as a result of it could make you query not simply your emotions however your general psychological health.
Ultimate ideas
All these phrases might sound form on the floor, however there’s usually an undercurrent of manipulation working slightly below the floor.
Gaslighting strategies like these dismantle belief in your individual judgment, making you extra depending on the gaslighter’s view of actuality.
Over time, you would possibly marvel if you happen to’re the issue, if you happen to’re too delicate, if you happen to actually are misunderstanding every part. And that’s precisely what the particular person utilizing these techniques desires.
I encourage you to mirror in your interactions and study whether or not any of those strains present up greater than they need to.
In case you do spot these techniques, it’s price drawing boundaries or searching for skilled assist, whether or not it’s speaking to a therapist or confiding in a supportive pal.
You deserve relationships that construct you up, not ones that depart you in a fog of uncertainty.
Signing off.